Jokes!

[Akira Raine]

We need a thread were we can post all of our jokes that we get. I have a couple of good ones and i'm sure you guys have some too. So yea, post your jokes here! Ok here's one of mine,

Three dogs walk into a bar, the bartender asks the first dog, How was your day? The dog responded I was going in and out of puddles. Then the bartender asked the second dog how his day was, and the dog responded I was going in and out of Puddles. The bartender then asked the third dog, how was your day? The dog responded My name is Puddles.

:roll:
I love that one! lol

[DarkMagicianGrl]

O_O oh wow...

[Blackjack87]

I can get a better one.

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

it makes fun of Bill Gates, but so what? It's funny, No?

[Akira Raine]

ah-ha-ha! mine still beats yours though! :D J/k we have the same amount of funniness no?

[DarkMagicianGrl]

nice one BJ (ive dcided to caall you that too, its easier)

[Blackjack87]

Let's make fun of people some more.
This time is a lawyer.
Akira, this is for you. The rest of you just laugh at it.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin. . .
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Ya'll know how lawyers are!
I thought of you, Akira, when I read it. I thought it was funny.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

hahahaha thats great

[Akira Raine]

LMFAO :roll: That's awesome Bj! I LOVE IT! I love Husband#5 and Husband#8 and Husb and#9 That is so awesome!

[Blackjack87]

here's more

making fun of ATM machines
"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man."

ya'll are going to love this, read carefully!

Bad Japenese Economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

now THAT is funny.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

lol where do you guys get this...i have a few..ill post um soon

[Akira Raine]

Omg I didn't get the Japanese one at first. I had to read it through a second time to actually get it :roll: wow i'm a blonde lol.

[Blackjack87]

I told you you had to read it carefully.

Ya'll are going to love this.

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

Akira, Laugh harder sister, I can't hear you. lol. I know you love that one.
Here's another.

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

[Akira Raine]

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

LMFAO!! That's awesome Bj! LOL just for me! :D LOL i'm going to tell that to everyone now lol. Yea you said read carefully just for me didn't you? Well that was good! W00t! :roll:

[DarkMagicianGrl]

nice ones

[Blackjack87]

I found another one for you to tell, Akira.

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

[Akira Raine]

..... I don't get it. :sweat: That's funny its about blondes, and i AM a blonde and i don't get it :sweat: Explain?

[DarkMagicianGrl]

since when are guys smarter than women anyway? ((no offense of course))

[Blackjack87]

:looks back at it: I don't get it either. I think I'm running out of good jokes. I need to find another joke site.

[Akira Raine]

LOL, Yes i'm NOT the only blonde!! Yay!! Let me think of a joke.................................................................. I have a really stupid corny one. Oh well here it goes

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road??
It didn't have the guts to do it.

Ahaha *is being sarcastic* my grandma told me that joke a LONG time ago

[SuKa]

(I'm not sure quite how this went, I'm doing this off of memory)

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel in his pants. He sits down, and the bar tender says to him, "You've got a wheel in the front of your pants." and the pirate says, "Arrg and it's driven' me nuts."

...humor of my father, whom departed my life a few months ago.

[Akira Raine]

Ah-ha-ha! funny funny. I wish i had some actually GOOD jokes WAIT! I DO have one! OMG this one is HILARIOUS but it's long so bare with me and read it.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Blackjack87]

nice!
I think I'll take a little break from the jokes and let you guys tell some.
(my "little vacation" is actually finding a better joke site!)

[DarkMagicianGrl]

omg akira! thats bad

[SilentChaos]

oh this is from a tv show

the grandama says she is going to take a shower so she goes in the bathroom. The gradnson wasnt listing and he opened the bathroom door and screemed then the grandman scremed. the dad comes and says wats wrong and the son says"i saw gradma nakedand now im Blind" and the granda ma got paralised from screaming so she couldnt move. then the dad says "whats the niumbre for 911" the grndama says :just call the operator" he gets the phone and dials 0. the operator answerd and he said "can u get me the number for 911" she said "hold on please" she lokes at the comp and is searching when she found it she says "ok sir the number u r looking for is 911" he says "hold on let me right it down" she cant find a pen so he gets a strawberry and writes on the wall and he askes whats the number again and she says "its 911" he says hold up there wat is it again?" she says "9....1....1" he writes it on the wall and then he hangs up and looks at the wall dials 9 and looks up angan and dials 1 and looks up agan and dials 1. he says "my son saw his grandma naked and now hes blind" she says "SIR DO NOT PANIC WE ARE GETTING PPL RIGHT AWAY DO NOT PANIC!!!!" he says "im not im not" the she says "DO NOT PANIC SIR!!!!" a min L8R th docters come and 1 of them opened the door and screemed and he was like "its like the devil only worse" the the other comes with a towel and runs in and wraps her with the towel. The end :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Swift]

i dont get it.

[SilentChaos]

its just a dumb thing what they do is so stupid its funny

[DarkMagicianGrl]

that was lame

[Stevil]

2 guys walk into a bar. Then they wake up several hours later with a headache.

[Akira Raine]

oh this is from a tv show

the grandama says she is going to take a shower so she goes in the bathroom. The gradnson wasnt listing and he opened the bathroom door and screemed then the grandman scremed. the dad comes and says wats wrong and the son says"i saw gradma nakedand now im Blind" and the granda ma got paralised from screaming so she couldnt move. then the dad says "whats the niumbre for 911" the grndama says :just call the operator" he gets the phone and dials 0. the operator answerd and he said "can u get me the number for 911" she said "hold on please" she lokes at the comp and is searching when she found it she says "ok sir the number u r looking for is 911" he says "hold on let me right it down" she cant find a pen so he gets a strawberry and writes on the wall and he askes whats the number again and she says "its 911" he says hold up there wat is it again?" she says "9....1....1" he writes it on the wall and then he hangs up and looks at the wall dials 9 and looks up angan and dials 1 and looks up agan and dials 1. he says "my son saw his grandma naked and now hes blind" she says "SIR DO NOT PANIC WE ARE GETTING PPL RIGHT AWAY DO NOT PANIC!!!!" he says "im not im not" the she says "DO NOT PANIC SIR!!!!" a min L8R th docters come and 1 of them opened the door and screemed and he was like "its like the devil only worse" the the other comes with a towel and runs in and wraps her with the towel. The end :lol: :lol: :lol:

You got that from Blue Collar TV. I saw that episode. It's more funny on TV then it is telling it, but yeah taht was pretty funny.

I've got a joke for ya!
An irish man walks out of a bar.

[Swift]

ok.

Three girls are stuck on an island, a redhead, brunette and blonde. Anyways so they figure that the coast is 20 miles from island so they try to swim to it.

The red head goes first, swims 5 miles, gets tired and drowns.

The brunette goes, swims 10 miles, gets tired and drowns.

Then the blonde gives it a shot, swims 19.7 miles, gets tired and swims back.


-------

Three girls are stuck on an island, a redhead, brunette and blonde. Anyways they stumble upon a magic lamp, rub it and a genie comes out. "I give you each one wish, totalling three wishes," the genie says.

The red head says "I wish i was back home with my family," and she is warped back home.

The brunette says "I wish i was back home with my family," and she is warped back home.

Then the blonde looks around, and says "I'm lonely, i wish the other two girls came back and kept me company."

-------

Three girls are stuck on in prison, a redhead, brunette and blonde. They are each on death row, execution style(shooting), so they make a plan to call out a natural disaster when its their turn then running.

The red head goes up, and just as she is about to be killed she yells "earthquake!" Everybody turns, she runs, jumps the fence and escapes.

The brunnette goes up, and just as she is about to be killed she yells "tornado!" Everybody turns, she runs, jumps the fence and escapes.

Then the blonde goes up... the executioners say "Ready! Aim!..." and she yells "FIRE!!!"

[Blackjack87]

That last one was funny.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

last one was great. i can honestly see some people i know doing that as well.

[Akira Raine]

you guys haven't heard that? I've heard that joke so many times. But Yeah, now i can't think of one. Oh wait yes I can :D

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
THey both leave children with their sacks empty

[SilentChaos]

You got that from Blue Collar TV. I saw that episode. It's more funny on TV then it is telling it, but yeah taht was pretty funny.

I've got a joke for ya!
An irish man walks out of a bar.

true i did say its from a tv show and its alot more funier on tv

btw knock knock

[Swift]

nobody's home, go away!

[Blackjack87]

:glares: (Yami hater) :glares:
who's there?

[DarkMagicianGrl]

i like Swift's answer better BJ

[Akira Raine]

LOL yeah that was great swift ;) Ok yeah but let's get to the joke ud, who's there?

[Blackjack87]

:glares: It had better not be about Yami Yugi!

[DarkMagicianGrl]

youre not gunna give that one up are ya BJ?

[Swift]

I still dont think we should answer it, it's probably some jehova witness or even worse(tum tum tum).....

some guy with a corny knock knock joke!(these corney people have led me to live a life of non-door answering).

[DarkMagicianGrl]

hah..well im not answering it

[Akira Raine]

Yeah, actually good idea Swift! *decides not to answer door and instead throws a paint can at the vistiter* :D

[DarkMagicianGrl]

it can be like home alone! hah

[Akira Raine]

i love those movies! They are awesome! I've always loved home alone!

[DarkMagicianGrl]

yea! they make me laugh so hard!

[Blackjack87]

The only thing I don't like about the Home Alone movies is that they didn't keep the same kid, they've got a new kid in almost every movie.

And no, I'm not going to give it up unless he gives it up.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

ok then...the same kid for the first two but then it changes

[Blackjack87]

Haven't you noticed that they do it for every movie that includes a little kid as one of the main characters? They need to quit that.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

yea...they should have a girl!

[Blackjack87]

In what? Home Alone?

[DarkMagicianGrl]

yea...instead of a boy...girls can be clever too ya know!

[Blackjack87]

You got a point. How 'bout you find out who the director(s) is, write him a letter, and tell him your idea.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

hmm...maybe i will! hah...who knows, maybe theyll listen

[Blackjack87]

Maybe they will, and maybe they'll throw you right back out on your ass.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

im going with the latter of the two

[Blackjack87]

lol. :)

[Akira Raine]

I've got a joke!

Mature!
What do you call a cow that masterbates?

Beef Stroughanoff (i think that's how you spell it)

Ah-ha-ha!

Oh and here's a fun line!

Candy's Dandy but
Liquor's quicker

:roll:

[Blackjack87]

I like the second one.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

nice Akira....ok heres one...

ok, three blondes were all sharing times about when they were really drunk. the first blonde says "one time, i was so drunk i dance on a tabke with a lampshade on my head" the others go "oh well thats no too bad!" the 2nd one says " one time i was so drunk, i ran a stop sign" the others once again say thats not bad. the third one says "one time...i was so drunk i blew chunks" the others got a confused look on their faces and look at her. "whats so abd about that" they inquired "chunks is my dog" she said

oh wow...a joke told to me by my friend mike

[Akira Raine]

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww bad memories bad memories


my friend sucked her dog eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww bad memories bad memories

and a horse ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww bad bad BAD memories.

Thank you for scarring me again DMG. ; ;

[DarkMagicianGrl]

O_O holy crap Akira!

[Blackjack87]

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww bad memories bad memories


my friend sucked her dog eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww bad memories bad memories

and a horse ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww bad bad BAD memories.

Thank you for scarring me again DMG. ; ;

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I am laughing like crazy over here now.

[Akira Raine]

*cries* I know Dmg I'm dead serious too. You can laugh Bj but it's 100% true. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww God it was a dare and she DID it ewwwww it was sooooooooo nasty! It's a good thing I wasn't watching. My friend is sick and crazy she also stuck her head in a toliet one time and lapped up the water like a dog. God she is nasty nasty nasty. ewwwww Maxx knows about her, her name is Jennifer.

[Blackjack87]

i'm laughing cause the way you typed it. it was funny.

[DarkMagicianGrl]

oh wow...you know some special ppl akira

[Akira Raine]

....yeah.

And i'm glad the way i type things amuses you Bj makes me sound special ;P

[DarkMagicianGrl]

Akira...you ARE special! :-D

[Akira Raine]

I know! :D

[DarkMagicianGrl]

i know you know! and thats why we all love you!

[Blackjack87]

Happy Happy Fun Time!

I don't know why I said that

[FinalDragoon]

Heres a riddle:

This thing is many things.
It is joyful,
It is quiet,
It is bubbling,
It is roaring,
It can jump,
And it can sit.
It can whisper,
And it can drip.
What is it of which I speak?
What is it which can be both shallow and deep?

[Akira Raine]

Me?????? Ok maybe not. DAMN i suck at riddles! Damn riddles *shakes fist*

Edit: Wait, that REALLY sounds like a dick. :eek:

Wait i like that :D ;)

[DarkMagicianGrl]

no clue

[FinalDragoon]

I'll post the answer soon, and another one once my infinite genius gives birth to it.

[Akira Raine]

post the answer!! I'm getting impatient!! *eyes glow red* i mean... *smiles and eyes turn back to normal color*

answer?

[DarkMagicianGrl]

wow Akira....its not that big of a deal

[Akira Raine]

to me it is! :D

[DarkMagicianGrl]

ok then...i dont really care that much...but whatever floats your boat akira

[FinalDragoon]

Heres a riddle:

This thing is many things.
It is joyful,
It is quiet,
It is bubbling,
It is roaring,
It can jump,
And it can sit.
It can whisper,
And it can drip.
What is it of which I speak?
What is it which can be both shallow and deep?

Water, streams, ect.



New riddle:

What is it that races your mind?
Sets your heart on fire,
And blows off time?
Used to be a drink,
But isn't anymore.
And can be bought down the street;
In the five and ten cent store?

[DarkMagicianGrl]

ummm....*thinks*

[Akira Raine]

Water, streams, ect.



New riddle:

What is it that races your mind?
Sets your heart on fire,
And blows off time?
Used to be a drink,
But isn't anymore.
And can be bought down the street;
In the five and ten cent store?
Water,streams?? HOw the hell does it jum or sit? That's kinda a gay riddle(no offense love) And this one is kinda too. Where did you get them? Whoever made them up is stupid

Oh and I think the answer is Alcohol, or beer or liquor or something like that.

[FinalDragoon]

Wropg. close, but wrong. And you think they're gay because you don't know thw answer. ;p

[DarkMagicianGrl]

my head hurts too much to think

[Blackjack87]

I think I know.

Love potion #9.

Am I right?

[DarkMagicianGrl]

in kindergarden i had a sub and his voice sounded just like the guy who sang that song...